fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
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Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
If a snake ate a cake
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life