My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
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Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
no regrets
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no