Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
He wanted to make sure😂
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it