Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
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i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything