I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
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just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
fixed it
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.