What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
You Might Also Like
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.