First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
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All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Whoa… oh I see lol
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.