The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
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Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I am HOWLING at this