This made me smile…
You Might Also Like
My dentist asked how school was and I said βgreatβ because thatβs much easier than βoh I actually dropped out because Iβve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogsβ
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
[watching paint dry]
βItβs just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he isβ
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on womenβs clothing
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I canβt get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day Iβll show someone up in a dance battle, so itβs not saying much.