Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
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[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
#catsoftwitter
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries