*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
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Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Day 2 of my diet
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.