Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
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I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
is this store having a stroke wtf
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
#growingpains
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
RT if you know someone like this!!!
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.