I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
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A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
S O O N
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
🤣🤣
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!