My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
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A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
the three genders
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.