Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
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there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.