They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
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hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Are you ok, human???
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”