scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
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I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My last name is Zilla.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.