“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
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There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.