Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
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A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.