A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
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Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Sunday
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Fluff me with a fork baby
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”