We avoided this particular disaster
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me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.