FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
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Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
This cat wants you to take your pills
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Trying
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?