In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
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Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.