Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.