Penguins walking in 5x speed
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We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Care for your back
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Best spot.. 😅