If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
You Might Also Like
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me