Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
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I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.