“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
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He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke