*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
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Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit