Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
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I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
me and my fake scenarios
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems