What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
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When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.