My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
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My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Rooting for the overdog
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.