Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
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[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
#parenting
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Tony Hawk, age 6
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.