Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
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waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”