A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Do one person every day that scares you.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me