I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
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“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
can’t bark with your mouth full
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?