Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
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Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.