4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
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Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I think this cat is broken
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.