I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
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If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
black phone good
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.