“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
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Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Spa day..😅
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I need to update my racial profile.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately