My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
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DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.