I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
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I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.