Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
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Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.