[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
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JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
*pronounces patio like ratio
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.