Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
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An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Don’t snitch tag.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!