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Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Sheep
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I’m listening
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup