My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
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“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Last-minute gift idea!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?