[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole