[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
You Might Also Like
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur