I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
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Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?